Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmare

more about the show here

I love the food channel. Back in Melbourne, before my kids grew up and commandeered the television, Saturday mornings would provide 4 hours of back-to-back entertainment by the way of Masterchef and Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. It's the perfect way to clear the hungover brain - watching people cook and get insulted by experts, snickering to yourself just knowing you would do better. Masterchef will be for another discussion, because the other night I went to Gordon Ramsay's Dubai restaurant, Verre.

If you haven't seen the show, Kitchen Nightmares is about Ramsay finding a restaurant that has, or deserves to have been, thrown on the culinary trash-heap. It will be a quaint pub in an ideal location but run by drunken slobs, or a boutique seafood parlour above a shonky chip shop that nobody can find. He comes in, throws profanity around like life-giving rain and slaps the management into his chosen mould. Voila! Successful restaurant. If only he came back to Dubai, because there is a little gourmet restaurant on the wrong side of the creek that desperately needs his attention.


It's been around for about nine years, and when it arrived, it landed into a very respected five-star hotel and was probably the first serious celebrity restaurant in Dubai, and in fact the first International jaunt for Ramsay himself. The decor was slick and modern, the chef edgy, and the vibe in the city guaranteed immersion into the bosom of chic society, because back then Dubai was loaded, and we all know how much this city loves a label. The restaurant was expensive and busy, and the city loved it because it was expensive and busy. The celebrity chef moved on to other ventures, confident that this little baby was all grown up and able to fend for itself.

The city grew. It became shinier and bigger. New celebrities came, and they set up their newer restaurants in newer hotels and resorts in "New Dubai", which was settling itself along the beach to the south rather than inland along the creek.

Then the financial markets imploded, and half the population of Dubai found they had half the discretionary income they had before. The other half were even worse off, so they went back home with their tails between their legs, happy they had not accidentally found themselves in a Dubai jail. Regardless, restaurants that charged more than 25 Dirhams for a main course were empty. The strong ones survived, and this celebrity restaurant did too. But after just blowing 1400 Dirhams (about $400) between two of us, I've no idea how.

Don't get me wrong - the food is good, great even. A juicy slab of mildly smoked salmon with creme fraiche and caviar was soft, creamy, delicate, peeling off in perfect medium rare flakes. The plaice with scallops was fresh and flavorsome - the scallops perfect white pillows, and the watercress snappy and peppery just like the farmers market sells back home. The capers were sweet and sour, not vicious little monsters like I buy in jars. Hambone's veal was declared the "best in my life!", and was perfectly cooked so the little nuts graduated from deep brown to red like meaty rainbows. Dessert was peaky salty caramel soufflé for him and gooey fondant for me, which arrived wrapped in a honeycomb tube and standing to brave attention in the face of certain slaughter.

But it's not just food that makes people go to restaurants. It was Thursday night, and I'd only booked the night before. There were five other tables occupied, none of them above four pax. The place was creepy-quiet. Our first glasses of champagne dribbled into our flutes like still wine, a sign that nobody has had a glass for at least one night, maybe two. They were whipped away and replaced with apologies and absolutely no fight. The service is good, but a sommelier happy in his job wouldn't let the flat stuff get as far as two glasses in the first place. The Staff were friendly, but when they thought nobody was paying attention their boredom showed, and so it should - they are great staff, but are faced with no challenge and absolutely nothing to do.

If the decor has changed since opening, I can't tell. It's not that it looks old, there are no rips or chips or stains. But there is no "je ne sais pas...", no X factor. It's tired. Maybe it would look better if it was in another hotel - the Hilton is cool for seven years ago, but lacks the grandeur of all the beach hotels in new Dubai. There is no sweeping foyer, elegant and exotic lobby lounge, grand pianos or Islamic star-shaped water features. It's a business hotel in the business district. Smooth, shiny, totally devoid of personality. And when I pay 700 dirhams for a feed I want to be delivered into a fantasy world - otherwise I would just buy a lobster and a bottle of Mersault and do it myself.

So Mr Ramsay, please pop back to the desert and do your patriarchal duty. I want more of your food, but I expect more than just food if I return.

My recommendation? Replace the current Verre with a good mid-priced Italian bistro. Then take up residence in the JBR Hilton, which although is also a little tired, has two completely ordinary restaurants in grand locations overlooking beach or tropical gardens. And please work on the winelist - those prices are simply unforgivable.

Thank you Verrey much.